Meet the Monday Blues XXVIII.

Soo… Yeah, quite a gap, there, wasn’t it? You know, the last Monday post being, what, two, three weeks ago? Hmm, WordPress says it’s been a month. Really let myself go on this one😁 It wasn’t laziness, though. I actually had stuff to do and then the first Monday I had time to make a post, all shit broke lose, hit the fan and sprayed itself on everyone in my close vicinity. It was like Life saying: “Ok, so you make fun out of hard working people who need to go to work on Monday, yet you don’t really know what it’s like to have a really shitty start of the week! Let’s change that!”

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I told my friend I’m not gonna tell him what actually happened until I can laugh about it. I can now, when it’s all sorted out to everyone’s satisfaction. But I was just too embarrassed. I mean, how do you end up going in debt for like 4000 EUR in a matter of seconds? Let’s follow this simple tutorial.

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First of all, you gotta be naive. If you’re not naive, you can go for just plain stupid. It should work just as well. Maybe even better. Worked for me anyway.  Then, you gotta be slightly overworked, irritated, annoyed, badly rested and generally worried about stuff. And if you really wanna make shit happen, proud and ignorant as well. Ok, you got most of that? More or less? Ok good, let’s move on.

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Next, you gotta have a really bad idea. If you fall into most categories stated above it should come quite naturally. If you are, however,  struggling with some, or most of them, it might take a bit of effort on your side. Keep on trying. You’ll get there eventually and really manage to fuck up your life. I had all those categories checked, so the idea just came about by itself. Nope, no lightbulb moment there. So the idea was this:

 

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Why don’t I take all the shop’s weekend’s earnings, put’em in a canvas bag with the rest of my precious stuff and put it on the back of my bycicle: ” Yeah, let’s just get this over with. Yeah, let’s do it like this. No, I don’t think I should spend a euro (a fuckin euro!!!) to put this pile of cash in the hostel’s safe deposit box. Naah, a euro, that’s way too much! They already charged me for the towel! Fuck’em, greedy bastards!

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So there I am, on a glistening, sunny Monday morning. I’m feeling glad the ten day gig selling chocolate is done. My pop-up shop is all packed neatly on pallets and ready to be collected. Just gotta get to the shopping center, sign off the lorry driver, lodge the money and wait for my commission to make it’s way to my bank account. Ah, indeed, what a priceless Monday morning this is😊

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Just as I was to swerve in the car park I thought I heard a thud behind me. I turn my head only to see the canvas bag tilted, hanging from the side of the bike rack, spewing out it’s contents along the way like a deflated balloon. For a moment my only thought was: “Ah, well, this has happened…” Seconds later I’m gasping in horror: “Oh shit, of fuck, oh shit oh fuck oh no, please, no, shit fuck fuck fuck fuck hell no, fuck shit shit Shhiiiiiit!!!!” I go through the bag. Two of the three plastic money bags are missing. I turn back the bike, pedaling like a maniac to retrace my steps as quickly as possible. At that very moment something snaps. I feel no resistance on my feet. I look down. The snapping sound was the weak link of my bycicle chain and now it’s hanging down like a rotten carcass from a tree branch, waiting to be torn my vultures: “WHAAAAAAT THEEEE FUUUUCK?!” I feel like cursing and crying and desparing but I gotta move on, I might still be able to find the stuff it couldn’t have been more than two minutes. I start running along the path I’ve cycled minutes before. No passer by had seen any bags (duuuuh!). I run like a crazy person. Well, trying anyway, running is not really my thing. On the plus side, my optimism kicks in: “My, my, my, how fit you are. Look at you, running the way you thought you couldn’t! Huh? How about that?!”

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Sir, you’ve got cancer

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So yeah, everything was against me that day. It started off with me going against my better judgement and then it spread like fire. After an hour I gave up the search and faced the fact that someone snatched the money, my Bose bluetooth speaker, power bank, waterproff jacket and about half a kilo of the most delicious gluten free vegan chocolate I’ve had saved for the housemates. All in one fuckin go! 

D’you like some poppers?
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